fear covers my mind like a thick blanket
it is blind to the desires of my heart
my mind throws me into a panic
how can this be a start
new faces and walkways
new buildings and streets
the pace of my heartrate is always on speed
i want something familiar
but amidst all this new
i must open my heart up
but that i won’t do
afraid to be alone
but not minding it too
not letting my angst and confusion fall through
how can fear control
steal my breath
see my death
will i always find myself in this regret?
I have been living in a state of suspense, a state of waiting. Waiting and not realizing that I am not on pause, that I am in fact living. I feel like my mind is in a balloon, above my body, and my life. I have cloudy vision, but from afar I am getting through my day very focused and barely aware of my surroundings. I look forward to every night, even before I get out of bed. I drive tired and walk tired and listen tired. I am always tired, waiting and unfeeling. I am putting my energy and life aside for something that is missing. Something that I am waiting for. My life feels incomplete. I can just tell by the empty feeling in my chest. I realize I am living, but who for? What for? What am I missing?? What can I do to fill the void that is causing me to fade away?
My most favored season to live in, Autumn, is in full commencement.The time where leaves lose their life and fall to their deaths. Corpses sprawled all along the streets and yards, and people pile them up and jump onto them, cracking and breaking their already disfigured bodies. It’s a lovely season, really. A time to let go of dead things and live life to the fullest, like the grand finale of color that the slowly dying foliage is showcasing.
The beginning of a period of stillness.
After the last breath of life and color, the cold.
I hope I can live like the leaves and give everything I have to the days ahead of me, no matter how many are counted.
I don’t want to find myself frozen, evergreen, unchanged.
Most days I am in a haze and I don’t realize that time is passing me by. I don’t want to waste my life waiting for things to get better, I want to make them better.